Today, Beckie and Eugene and I embarked on our 100 Days to Peace, Health and Happiness. For over a year, I had lost the desire to walk the river, ride my bike, and do things that were a very natural part of my life. I felt the weight of so much sorrow on my shoulders. As you read about my Pain to Peace journey, it obviously does not mean that painful events will not come into our lives. I think we are equipped to handle them as they come, but my depression was very deep. I’d had a horrendous health set-back, lost Brinkley, and several friends.
My doctor (osteopathic) had mentioned on and off through the past few years that I might consider antidepressants. I avoided them because one of the side effects in most is decline in libido (Hide your eyes, Bethani). I’m not some hot, hussy, but I still quite enjoy the sexual part of my marriage (and so does hubby), so I constantly told the doctor no.
Finally, after literally months of this darkness, I went to my doctor ON MY KNEES to seek help, I kept saying to myself, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.” The overwhelming sadness, and the silence that I kept, made words about the pain hard to say. And the sex thing? Nothing robs your libido like depression. It steals joy, it steals energy, it steals happiness, it steals peace.
Oh, the pictures of me, always smiling, and me always upbeat at the shop, that was truly me, in some fashion I am able to get through. You’ve heard the term of someone being a working alcoholic, I was a working Depressive. Overwhelmed with darkness that others could not see.
There is so much pain in the Dark Place, it’s filled with sharp edges and pointy corners, there’s no comfort in that place. I began to withdraw further from my husband, though we had some bright moments, getting Eugene, but the connection, it was difficult to connect on an emotional level. I was quite good at making sure I kept my end of the bargain but it was intensely fatiguing. I know he understood something was up, but I wasn’t forthcoming, and he didn’t know what to ask.
I didn’t want to ride my brand new bike, I found excuse after excuse until he stopped asking. I didn’t want to go to the movies, or hang out. It seemed anything that required energy was too much.
In turn, no exercise means weight gain, grrr, and I still love my M&Ms, Cheetos and my one Pepsi a day, but I eat healthy, choosing fish, and salads, and getting my fruit and tea in, and lots of water. But, at 55, if I’m not moving, the scale is, and it’s going up. Dang it. And nothing makes you more depressed and undesirable than feeling chubby in your clothes. It’s a bummer.
I started on the antidepressant Viibryd .https://www.viibryd.com Of course I was scared it would numb me emotionally, I mean I am a feeler so, as much as that can be a curse, it is who I am, and I didn’t want to that to go away. I was worried about my libido, and weight gain. I am happy to report my worries were for naught, and I have had excellent results on this med, and relief came within weeks. Sweet light in that dark place, soft, warm, enriching and encompassing, oh, I can’t even tell you. It’s like a cocoon. I’d forgotten what it feels like to be emotionally healthy.
With the light came clarity, some painful places were revealed that I simply had to deal with (and still am.) But, they are no longer caught in some dark, sinister place in my heart. Soft light reveals each one slowly, so I can acclimate and reconcile.
So, now, we embark on our 100 Days to Peace, Health and Happiness. I’ll keep you posted, and I hope some of you will join us. Let me know if you are wanting to make a change for the better in any part of your life. Let me know how you’re doing. And you can count on me letting you know how we are!
100 days. Peace. Health. Happiness. Make it happen.